This morning as I was going over my Facebook, this video sparked my attention.
They asked Oprah about empowerment for women who failed, about how they start over.
Oprah’s response holds a very important and essential message.
Starting over is and has been a big theme in my life. You can read about my biggest start-over adventure here.
When you start over the big question is: “What do I do next?”.
Starting over, whether it is due to a choice of your own, or whether you are forced to, can cause total chaos and confusion in your life.
Chaos and disruption are usually not places where you make the best choices. They’re also not a good starting point for making a big new move. You probably may desperately want to know the how’s, the when’s, the where’s of what’s next. But the simple truth is that you just don’t know.
“Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.”
― Martha Beck
The only thing you can know is the tiniest next step that is right for you. And only you can know that.
But knowing what that tiniest step is, will require you to go within. To become still. To sit in the presence of you and who you really are.
Let me tell you that takes courage. Because most of us tend to run away from ourselves and hide in busy-ness, distractions, addictions, and stories we tell ourselves that aren’t necessarily true.
When I realised my marriage was killing my soul, I knew I had to leave for the real me to survive. It took me over a year from the moment of that realisation to the time I actually left my marriage.
My life in that year felt like a puddle of mud. With me just sitting in it, not able to move, not able to still my fears. Almost drowning. Never knowing what the next minute, the next second would bring. What new games, insults, accusations, arguments would follow in that next moment.
I felt so lost and lonely that I sought answers outside myself. I asked people what they thought I should do. I considered the external factors of leaving: the children, the practical stuff, the mortgage, the consequences for our business, the financial part. But I didn’t find any answers there, only more confusion. It took me a while to see that I wouldn’t get the answers from others either. Or from going over and over those external factors.
It was only in becoming still and just sitting in that puddle, allowing myself to be surrounded by mud, waiting for the right moment and having all the patience in the world, that brought the answers.
Doing just that brought more clarity on what was going on —note: I would find out I wasn’t the only guilty one here. It takes two to tango. It also brought more perspective and resolve. Resolve in knowing that leaving was going to be the best thing I was ever going to do for myself.
Sitting in that puddle of mud, contemplating, and waiting for insights, was hard. It didn’t bring me absolute knowledge of how and when I would leave. It just took me closer to that moment one tiny step at a time. One tiny piece of information at a time. One more nasty transgression at a time. Until I was finally ready to make a plan, to start executing that plan, to leave.
So if you’re facing a difficult situation in your life and you don’t know where to turn, go inside. Go be with yourself. Become quiet. Notice the thoughts that come. Discard the shitty ones. Keep the good ones. Notice the signs that the universe will give you. —Trust me, it does!— And then take your tiniest next step. Only one. Until you’re ready for the next one.
“But you can build a future out of anything. A scrap, a flicker. The desire to go forward, slowly, one foot at a time. You can build an airy city out of ruins.”
― Lauren Oliver
And if you need help going inside, getting still and finding out what your next tiny move will be, let me help you.
Just send me an email and let me know how I can be of service to you.
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