Thinking about all the bad experiences from your past and never letting go.
A closer look into this Model shows us:
Which brings us to the next part of the Model: Feelings and Emotions.
The way we interpret certain realities provoke emotions.
Let’s keep it simple and say that the four main human emotions are mad, sad, glad and scared. All other emotions can be considered a sub-emotion of these four.
- The facts/circumstances:
The trash has not been taken out and therefore is still sitting there smelling up the place until someone takes it upon him or herself to do something about it.
This is the reality. Objective, not hurtful, not joyful. It’s just some smelly trash.
As soon as you see the trash still sitting out there, you may have thoughts such as – and I’ll give you a range of what may go through your head:
– “My husband never listens to me.”
– “My husband never does something when I ask him to.”
– “My husband always ignores me.”
– “My husband is a lazy bugger.”
– “If he loved me , he would take out the trash, listen to me and help me.”
– “I have to do everything myself. No one ever helps me.”
Get my drift?
- Feelings and Emotions:
Now you have these thought clusters running through your mind and for sure they bring up different emotions.
Let’s have a look at a few possibilities here.
– You may feel hurt, not understood.
– You may feel you are not worthy of his attention.
– You feel unloved.
– You may be seething with anger because this is the 10 millionth time this happens.
– You may be irritated, frustrated.
These emotions that come up will make you behave in a certain way.
– You curse your husband and shout all kind of names to him when he shows his face.
– You give him the cold shoulder when he comes home and ignore him.
– You blame him for all sorts of other things that are not going well.
– Inside you hate him with a vengeance.
By now I’m sure you can see that the problem starts with our thoughts.
When we don’t control these thoughts they go on a spree, causing a myriad of emotions to come up. And resulting in behaviours that can be called less than kind, not only to others but also to ourselves.
But the heart of the matter is: Are these thoughts that you’re hoarding useful to you? Are they bringing you joy?
Or would you be better off without them? Have an easier time without them?
In other words, are they real?
The only way to know is to go in search of Truth.
And how can we reach Truth?
There are a few things you can do, but let me tell you, to get rid of the beliefs you hold onto and cradle like a baby, you need to make an effort. Plus you’ll need a lot of practice.
- Become the Observer.
This is the very first step to stop thought hoarding.
You start to notice that a thought comes back and haunts you. Awareness is the beginning of freedom. In whatever we do or think or feel.
Whenever a painful memory, thought, belief rears up its ugly head, take a moment, breathe deeply. Do this a few times, and just notice your thoughts.
Without reacting, without judging. Let them exist.
- Examine your thoughts for their Usefulness:
Ask yourself: Does this bring me joy, happiness, peace?
Does this thought relaxes or constricts me?
Is this thought useful or painful?
- Make a Label:
After observing and becoming aware, you’ll see – and believe me, it really works like that- that your thoughts have a certain theme. That your emotions that come along with a certain belief are always the same, a few nuances left aside.
Now it’s up to you to name your theme, like the title of a movie, or a song.
- Search for Truth:
Ask yourself whether your thoughts are absolutely true.
This can be difficult because we have a tendency to actually believe everything we think.
- Come Up with 20 Reasons Why Your Thought is not True:
If you have difficulty seeing that your thought may not be absolutely true, it’s time for some brain-yoga.
Stretch your brain, become creative and come up with 20 reasons why your thought may not be true.
Start with writing down your belief —which btw is another way of distancing yourself from it.
Now come up with 20 examples of why this is not true.
—Note: If you have difficulty in coming up with examples, add “if” or “when” to the original thought you’ve written down.—
Your reasons and examples don’t have to be real, they can be hypothetical.
The objective of this exercise is to really start creating new ways of thinking, slowly but surely. To get you out of your own brain rut.
The more creative you become with your examples, the farther you stretch your brain, the more new brain signals you’re creating.
- Practice the Hell out of the Former Steps:
Repeat all the above steps.
Know that thoughts are obstinate and your brain likes to hold onto what it knows. The only way for certain thoughts and beliefs to have less impact on you is to really practice this process deeply.
The more you practice, the more your new way of thinking is going to get a hold in your mind. And slowly you’ll create a change.
Change in thoughts, followed by a change in your emotions, which ultimately leads to a change in the way you act, react or behave in the same given situation.
- Become the Observer.
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More on the Blog:
- Do’s & Don’ts When Divorcing A Narcissist
- 12 Signs You’re Just An Option To Someone
- How To Build Resilience When Leaving An Emotionally Abusive Partner Or Narcissist
- What To Do About The Thoughts That Erode Your Self-Esteem In A Toxic Relationship
- Why you’re not to blame for a toxic relationship.
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