signs-option

12 Signs You’re Just An Option To Someone

Christel Van Gelder General Life Advice 2 Comments

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
Maya Angelou

Knowing when you’re an option to someone is hard. Often we don’t want to see the signs, but deep down we just know.

I once was an option for someone.

For a long time, I didn’t see, or even wanted to see the signs. Because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, of ending up alone, but most of all of not being good enough.

Our so-called relationship started out as “The Fast and The Furious” but soon became like “The Walking Dead”.

I held on to that relationship for dear life and much longer than what was healthy. I guess I was more “in enchantment” than in love, totally charmed by what he told me and how he treated me. At first, that is.

Then everything changed. The Skype texting” stopped, the calls came less often, the visits — we lived in different countries, stopped. I should have known by then, but I didn’t want to. And he played merrily along with the “hanging on” game.

Why? I think confusion from both sides played a big part. A major loss affected him in that time period and upset his emotional balance. And I guess some factors led him to see me as a convenience, as I was around day and night when he needed a compassionate ear. When he felt lonely. When he needed to escape his super-busy life.

In other words, I became his comfort zone. But at the same time his discomfort zone.

I ended this non-relationship after one and a half years.

Yes, it took me that long. You see, in my head, I made up a story of all that was happening, and I rather believed the story than the naked, not-so-nice truth.

I guess we all make up our own stories, especially when it comes to relationships and love. Fear of rejection, of not being good enough. Stories of shame and not wanting to be alone can keep us caught in a web of untruths we create for ourselves.

But deep down we know something is off. Deep down, we already know the truth. We just deny it. And in retrospect, it is always much easier to see what was really happening. To unravel our fairy tale story and confront the truth.

So what are the signs that someone is treating us as an option?

Doing some detective work into my own story, these signs showed up for me.

Maybe you relate?

1. You initiate the contact with them much more often than vice versa.

2. Your messages usually are much longer than their replies, if they reply at all.

3. Your phone has become part of your body. You keep it with you at all times. To check for news on a second-by-second basis. To avoid a missed call — because, you know, you might die, if you did.

4. When they spend time with you, they distract themselves with “work”. They find a way to not have to talk to you, or really be with you.

5. You often feel like you’re just part of the decor.

6. Talking about decor, yes you are just that, coming in handy when someone from their circle needs to be charmed or when they need someone pretty and/or intelligent to accompany them.

7. Whenever they call, you are so excited. You listen attentively and try to be there for them. But when you are in need of some emotional support, they are never there for you.

8. They know intuitively when you are ready to pull away and make a mysterious, well-timed re-appearance, getting you hooked once again.

9. They always have excuses at the ready, be it work, family, health, or alien invasions. You are too emotional. And they may even accuse you of stalking them.

10. You start too feel not sexy, intelligent, thin, stylish—or whatever—enough.

11. They may say really nasty things to you, trying to hurt you away. At the same time, they know you take all sorts of crap from them, which you normally wouldn’t put up with coming from anyone else.

12. They have a strange pull on you and in your head, you make them out to be a fairy tale prince/princess, while as a matter of fact, they’re frogs you’d better not kiss.

In short, it is a big red flag when they wooed you and courted you day and night in the hot and delicious beginning and it soon becomes a once in a while thing. Then you know you’re an option. You’re nowhere near the most important person in their lives. — Hint: often they are the only important person in their lives.

If one or all of the above is going on, do not kid yourself in thinking that they will change. Do not make excuses for their behaviour. But try and see it for what it is: you’re just a convenient presence and they don’t really love you. Or maybe they want to but are not capable of real love.

Yet, the most important thing I want you to take away from this: None of the above is about you!

You are not to blame, even though you may doubt yourself.

You are good enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough.

You are worthy.

You are deserving.

But for someone else.

Someone that really sees how special you are.

You are to blame for only one thing: and that is of being afraid. Fear makes you not listen to yourself and your gut feeling. Fear makes you come up with the most inventive excuses so they can keep on treating you as an option.

As soon as you realize it’s not about you but about them and you’re willing to examine the stories and excuses you make up in your head, as soon as you see them for what they really are — just stories and excuses, not facts — that’s when you have a chance of moving the focus onto your life again.

That’s when you will allow yourself to once again open up your energy to people who deserve to be with you, who appreciate and like and love you, in a true way.

Because you deserve to be appreciated, liked and loved.

Just because you are you!

Are you in a relationship and your gut is trying to tell you something, but you don’t want to hear it? Maybe you are just an option. Maybe you need to take a step back. Maybe you need an outside eye.
Let me help you!

You can reach me for 1-on-1 sessions on my website https://christelvangelder.com/services/

Or you can check out my Instant Coach Offer.

Comments 2

  1. I really needed to hear this. For seven years, I’ve had a crush on this girl. We dated our senior year of high school, and then she just suddenly broke communication when I went off to college. I took it hard. Then for the next few years, she would pop back up in my life like nothing happened, despite any fights or arguments. Then I found another girl to date, but I decided not to pursue it because I had to move to Japan. She took it well and we are still friends to this day. Then this same girl from many years ago was cheated on by her SO, and suddenly I was her priority again. She gave maximum effort for the first couple months, and then she accused me of being needy and codependent after she stopped giving effort. She gave every excuse in the book to why she couldn’t give the effort. I was a little codependent to be honest, and we took a break so I could correct it. What I didn’t realize is that she was the one pushing me to be needy. She kept me in this box so I could never escape. It was always my fault. A couple weeks ago (before this realization) we agreed we would try again. She didn’t try at all. Didn’t lift a finger for our relationship. She called me about her car problems, but wouldn’t call me to talk about our relationship. Then her best friend told me she had been seeing a guy for a week prior to us “trying again.” She called him a liar and told me I was an idiot for blindly believing what he said, but it was at that point where I knew I couldn’t trust her. Never again. I was an option to her. I was the backup quarterback in case the starter was injured or quit the team. She tried to make me fit her mold by telling me I needed to fix myself so I wouldn’t be codependent. What she didn’t count on was me being that much stronger and able to cut ties with her. I know she will try to talk to me again eventually, and I hope I have the strength to tell her we should never talk again. I know I don’t deserve to be mistreated like that ever again by her.

    This post was really uplifting and provided reassurance for me in the decision I made. Thank you for publicly posting this for everyone to see. God bless.

    1. Post
      Author

      First of all, thank you for leaving this comment. I am really happy that my post has made a small difference in your life. I hope you can now move on to setting healthy boundaries in this relationship, that is obviously so bad for you.

      May I suggest you look up on YouTube Dr John Gottmans videos on how good relationships work and what the signs of bad relationships are. There are some really short animated video’s on his channel. Thay may help you further for the future. And may I remind you that working on value-based, yet fluid boundaries, is one of the steps that will launch you in the right direction.

      Take care,
      Christel

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