no blame toxic relationship

Why you’re not to blame for a toxic relationship.

Christel Van Gelder Toxic Relationships 1 Comment

When it comes to toxic relationships, my clients always take the blame for being sucked in.

The number one question they ask me when they realise they are or were in a toxic relationship is “ Why me?”.  Followed by: “How could I have been so blind/naive/stupid?” “This is not who I am!”

Well exactly. This is not who you are!

And you’re not to blame.

That’s important to know.   

You see, it’s so easy to beat yourself up and blame yourself. It’s easy to believe that that you were wrong or bad or stupid or unworthy. That you were/are not good enough. 

But the thing is, you’re not to blame. You never were. 

The one who is responsible for the whole toxic dynamics is the toxic person in your life. The one who has manipulation down to a fine art. 

And no way you could have seen coming what they were about to do to you.

Most probably you got sucked into this relationship from the very first minute. And in the beginning, they loved the hell out of you. They bombarded you with messages and calls and flattery. But then the connection you longed for started to seem empty and meaningless. You started to feel meaningless. Unworthy.

Their focus on you dwindled. Unless they felt you were pulling away. That’s when it was time for another cycle of full-on love bombing. But that would never last.

Soon that exhilarating feeling of being the object of all that —fake—affection and attention would end once again. And you would start to feel confused again. Full of doubt. Like you weren’t important.

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. It can be used in different ways and can be used for either a positive or negative purpose.

One of the signs of love bombing at the start of a relationship is much attention in a short time, and pressure for very rapid commitment. It is often the first sign of narcissism, and if successful turns to control and degradation.

Source: Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing

You most probably lost touch with who you were and what you wanted. It probably felt as if you’d start to “melt” together with the toxic person.  No boundaries between you and them. You’d start to take on values that were not your own. To integrate ideas and beliefs that weren’t yours. 

And so you were eroded bit by bit. Slowly, pieces of you were replaced with pieces that the toxic one wanted to be there. So it would be easier for them to manipulate and control you. 

I’ve seen this cycle happen over and over again. 

I was sucked in as well. And for the longest time I had no clue. I had no idea I was being played masterfully. But I did feel that bits of me got lost. 

That left me confused. Doubting myself and everything I did. Chaos reigned in my head, my emotions, my body, my life. 

Only in retrospect was I able to piece the weirdest parts of my experiences together. Only afterwards, strange stuff that happened and made no sense at all, started to add up. 

It’s like being conned. And believe me, you are being conned. 

But that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, bad, naive or blind. Or worthless. 

Quite the opposite! I see toxic people go for the most empathic, smartest and kindest people they can find. 

My guess is it’s because of that special light you have. It attracts these soul vampires like flies to sugar. 

So when my clients ask me: “Why me?”, my answer always is: “It’s not you! Don’t beat yourself up over this.”

Because let’s face it, you’ve been kicked hard enough. You don’t need to add more kicking yourself.

Now is not the time to be harsh on yourself. It’s the time to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a puppy or a baby or your best friend when she/he’s in pain. 

It’s time to become your own best friend, so you can start to heal.

And the most important thing I want to tell you, is that toxic people will never be able to take away your essence. They’ll try for sure. But the real you will always be in there, even if it’s in hiding. Even if you have lost touch with that real self for now.  

Believe me, when I tell you the toxic one can never reach in that far. They can never corrupt your pure self. 

So now it’s up to you to start finding that pure you again. To reconnect to it. To give it attention and kindness and love. So healing can happen. 


Note: If you’re ready to start healing, check out my free email series 7 Ways to Start Healing After a Toxic Relationship. 

In this series, you’ll receive daily emails with 7 simple and easy ways for you to practice so you can jump-start your healing process. 


You can sign up here

Or if you need help right now, check out my latest offer. it will give you immediate access to my guidance and support. It’s called Little Whispers and it’s like having a mentor/ coach right by your side.

Find out more about my Little Whispers here.

More to read:

Mistakes you may make when leaving a narcissist, but which are often unavoidable and also, funnily enough, helping you along:
https://christelvangelder.com/mistakes-when-leaving-narcissist/

Practical matters to take into account when you prepare to leave your toxic abuser:
https://christelvangelder.com/practical-tips-when-leaving-narcissist/

When kids are involved:
https://christelvangelder.com/what-to-do-when-your-manipulative-ex-still-tries-to-get-at-you-through-your-kids/

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  1. Pingback: What To Do About The Thoughts That Erode Your Self-Esteem In A Toxic Relationship - Christel Van Gelder

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