Have you ever heard someone saying to you: "Be positive and it will all go away"? And did you feel like hitting them?
You see, being positive all the time is impossible. And it will not solve everything. Because the shit you're suppressing, the things you tuck away so you don't have to deal with them, will come back.
It's only when you allow the negative to come out and you deal with it, that it will go away. And then you may even discover the positive in the bad shit you dealt with.
Some of us will do anything to avoid feeling pain, anger, sadness. All the negative stuff. Some "good, old" ways of distraction are working, shopping, eating, drinking, partying, sniffing the white powder. Or whatever it is one does to not feel.
Now a party for fun isn't a problem. A drink with some friends isn't a problem. Ok, sniffing the white powder may not be the best of ideas, but if you feel the need to experience, be my guest.
It's when you start overdoing these things to numb yourself that you're in trouble.
You can go around all day and put your smiley face on, chant positive affirmations, pretend that all is well in your world. But it won't get rid of your pain, anger, grief.
I've run away from all sorts of things in the past.
Working or sitting behind my computer screen would keep the dark thoughts at bay. And if that didn't help, some good, useless shopping for things I didn’t need nor want also did the trick. But only for a little while.
Because the dark feelings were always lurking. Ready to come up. Yet, as long as I ran, I and distracted myself, I believed I was safe.
What I was doing was making it worse.
One day I was so tired of running away from all my hurt and frustration, from all the things I didn't give a voice, that all the lurking, ugly stuff came out.
It was early summer, by now a lifetime away. We were out on the boat. It was hot, no wind and I felt off. I told my "wasband" I wanted to go home. He told me I was a party pooper, always ready to ruin a family day off. Yet he left me on-shore and I got into my car to drive home.
I managed to leave the marina when the worst panic attack I'd ever experienced washed over me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn’t feel my hands, my legs. My head was spinning. I had to stop the car. I threw open the door to get some air. I thought I was dying. Having a heart attack or a stroke or something real bad.
Shaking, I dialled 911. I tried to explain what was happening but I couldn't speak. All I could do was utter some incoherent sounds. I heard the dispatcher's concerned voice, but couldn't reply. I was lucky that some guys saw me and got some police officers that were patrolling that area. One of the officers took my phone and spoke to the dispatcher and told them to send an ambulance.
At this point I still wasn't able to talk. I managed to get the officer to call my "wasband" through sign language. In the meanwhile, an ambulance was on its way. The next part felt like being in the wrong movie. Everything happening in slow-motion. My brain and speech not working. As the ambulance arrived my panic began to subside. Yet it would take time for me to form a sentence again.
I was brought to the nearest hospital and put on oxygen. The doc came to see me. By now I was able to speak very slowly and like a kid learning to talk.
I was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. I slept for two whole days. I cried me a few buckets.
People asked me what was wrong, but I had no idea. I knew something was wrong. I knew I was so, so sad. I knew I was also angry as hell. But I didn't know why. I couldn't give a voice to all that I felt. And so I numbed down all these emotions again. With pills.
This happened in 2003. It would last until 2007 for the whole bubble to burst. And then all hell broke lose.
During those years I tried to continue running. But I couldn't outrun what was wrong.
At long last, I had to stop running and face my demons. I realised that for most of my life I had lived a lie. I had no clue how to live in an authentic way. Everything was a mask or a distraction.
To realise that was harsh.And with big consequences. Because my ego had no more say in the matter. My real self was yelling at me to get out and be me again.
And that's what I did.
It took a long divorce and starting my life over to get to know the real me. I did some deep work. Some serious decluttering. I decluttered my stuff, my friends, my partner and his family, my other relationships. I decluttered my emotions and let them all out to rage and cry and grieve and wallow.
And then I knew what I had to do. I wanted to be a life coach.
Because I experienced first-hand that it's possible to start over and live an authentic life. I learned that it's possible to sit and deal with all the bad feelings and beliefs and they won't kill you. I learned that the bad stuff made me stronger and gave me some magnificent pearls of wisdom.
Do you want to live a more authentic life?
Do you want to learn how to deal with your thoughts and emotions?
Do you want to find out what makes you feel alive? What empowers you? What it is to be you, no apologies needed?
If you want to learn the Art of Authentic Living and do all or any of the above, go over to my website .
You can also chat with me. I offer you a free 30-minute call, so you can get a taste of coaching. So we can discuss what is bugging you and what you want to change. Click here to schedule that free chat now.
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