“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
Knowing when you’re an option to someone is hard. Often we don’t want to see the signs, but deep down we just know.
I once was an option for someone.
For a long time, I didn’t see, or even wanted to see the signs. Because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, of ending up alone, but most of all of not being good enough.
Our so-called relationship started out as “The Fast and The Furious” but soon became like “The Walking Dead”.
I held on to that relationship for dear life and much longer than what was healthy. I guess I was more “in enchantment” than in love, totally charmed by what he told me and how he treated me. At first, that is.
Then everything changed. The Skype texting” stopped, the calls came less often, the visits — we lived in different countries, stopped. I should have known by then, but I didn’t want to. And he played merrily along with the “hanging on” game.
Why? I think confusion from both sides played a big part. A major loss affected him in that time period and upset his emotional balance. And I guess some factors led him to see me as a convenience, as I was around day and night when he needed a compassionate ear. When he felt lonely. When he needed to escape his super-busy life. In other words, I became his comfort zone. But at the same time his discomfort zone.
I ended this non-relationship after one and a half years. Yes, it took me that long. You see, in my head, I made up a story of all that was happening, and I rather believed the story than the naked, not-so-nice truth.
I guess we all make up our own stories, especially when it comes to relationships and love. Fear of rejection, of not being good enough. Stories of shame and not wanting to be alone can keep us caught in a web of untruths we create for ourselves. But deep down we know something is off. Deep down, we already know the truth. We just deny it. And in retrospect, it is always much easier to see what was really happening. To unravel our fairy tale story and confront the truth.
So what are the signs that someone is treating us as an option?
Doing some detective work into my own story, these signs showed up for me.
Maybe you relate?
1. You initiate the contact with them much more often than vice versa.
2. Your messages usually are much longer than their replies, if they reply at all.
3. Your phone has become part of your body. You keep it with you at all times. To check for news on a second-by-second basis. To avoid a missed call — because, you know, you might die, if you did.
4. When they spend time with you, they distract themselves with “work”. They find a way to not have to talk to you, or really be with you.
5. You often feel like you’re just part of the decor.
6. Talking about decor, yes you are just that, coming in handy when someone from their circle needs to be charmed or when they need someone pretty and/or intelligent to accompany them.
7. Whenever they call, you are so excited. You listen attentively and try to be there for them. But when you are in need of some emotional support, they are never there for you.
8. They know intuitively when you are ready to pull away and make a mysterious, well-timed re-appearance, getting you hooked once again.
9. They always have excuses at the ready, be it work, family, health, or alien invasions. You are too emotional. And they may even accuse you of stalking them.
10. You start to feel not sexy, intelligent, thin, stylish—or whatever—enough.
11. They may say really nasty things to you, trying to hurt you away. At the same time, they know you take all sorts of crap from them, which you normally wouldn’t put up with coming from anyone else.
12. They have a strange pull on you and in your head, you make them out to be a fairy tale prince/princess, while as a matter of fact, they’re frogs you’d better not kiss.
In short, it is a big red flag when they wooed you and courted you day and night in the hot and delicious beginning and it soon becomes a once in a while thing. Then you know you’re an option. You’re nowhere near the most important person in their lives. — Hint: often they are the only important person in their lives.
If one or all of the above is going on, do not kid yourself into thinking that they will change. Do not make excuses for their behavior. But try and see it for what it is: you’re just a convenient presence and they don’t really love you. Or maybe they want to but are not capable of real love.
Yet, the most important thing I want you to take away from this: None of the above is about you!
You are not to blame, even though you may doubt yourself.
You are good enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough.
You are worthy.
You are deserving.
But for someone else.
Someone that really sees how special you are.
You are to blame for only one thing: and that is of being afraid. Fear makes you not listen to yourself and your gut feeling. Fear makes you come up with the most inventive excuses so they can keep on treating you as an option. As soon as you realize it’s not about you but about them and you’re willing to examine the stories and excuses you make up in your head, as soon as you see them for what they really are — just stories and excuses, not facts — that’s when you have a chance of moving the focus onto your life again.
That’s when you will allow yourself to once again open up your energy to people who deserve to be with you, who appreciate and like and love you, in a true way.
Because you deserve to be appreciated, liked and loved. Just because you are you!
Are you in a relationship and your gut is trying to tell you something, but you don’t want to hear it? Maybe you are just an option. Maybe you need to take a step back. Maybe you need an outside eye.
Let me help you!
You can reach me for 1-on-1 sessions on my website https://christelvangelder.com/services/